


Dear diary, shut the f up :)

by Calih



Series: Bored slytherins are bored [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Book 2: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Boredom, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Slytherins Being Slytherins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calih/pseuds/Calih
Summary: The Slytherins are stuck inside the Common Room doing homework. Luckily, Theo has just found an interesting book in the Library that may contain the solution for their utter boredom.Although, the book is kinda useless. What is one supposed to do with a book that absorbs ink after all?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Theodore Nott & Pansy Parkinson & Blaise Zabini
Series: Bored slytherins are bored [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125803
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	Dear diary, shut the f up :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guess who wrote 10k words of a fic than lost wind with only the ending remaining to be written, and then proceed to write this completely unraletaded one lmao.

It was a warm, sunny summer day at Hogwarts.

Many students had taken up the opportunity to have a picnic near the lake. Some were playing Quidditch with their friends. Others were enjoying the opportunity to talk under the warm sunlight. A few were even leisurely reading under a tree shadow.

Blaise, Pansy and Draco were stuck in the dark, damp and empty Slytherin dungeon writing an assignment.

The Common Room was so quiet it was actually kind of creepy.

“What the heck was wrong with Salazar Slytherin?” grumbled Pansy again as she shifted her position so she didn’t block the candle lights with her back.

“It’s a miracle we are not all blind by now,” agreed Blaise, holding his parchment up so some light could reach the paper and he could read what he had been writing.

“Thank Merlin that the dorms were made by someone who actually had taste,” added Draco.

Blaise and Pansy hummed. 

For some reason the dorms rooms were decorated by someone with a truly magnificent eye for colors and furniture. They were light and open, cool without being chilly. Different tones of green were used in a few key decoration points so as to not become saturated, dark and heavy.

It was elegant, fresh, soothing.

And then for some reason the Common Room looked like a cave.

“Honestly, it’s like he went into an emo phase and never left it,” said Pansy, scratching out what she had just written with a grimace.

“Are we really sure that this wasn’t Snape’s idea of redecorating?” wondered Draco.

The other two stopped. The three of them looked around the room with a judgemental stare.

“He did insist for the potion’s class to be in the dungeons…” said Blaise contemplatively.

“And _he_ also never left the emo phase…” added Pansy.

“And he does hate sunlight…” commented Draco.

Blaise blinked at that information and turned to look at Draco. “For real?”

“Yeah. I saw him hissing at it once.”

“You got to admit, he does put effort into keeping the aesthetic. Didn’t your father say that when they were at school, Snape tried to have a bat as a pet?” asked Pansy.

“Yeah. Her name was Cass, or something.”

There was suddenly a thud against the glass as the Great Squid fastly swimmed past them in excitement.

“That fish sure loves some attention,” commented Pansy sarcastically. “He always gets like this when there are picnics near the Great Lake.”

“I still can’t believe it,” said Draco shaking his head. He looked down at his parchment with distaste. “The only sunny day in a month and we can’t even enjoy it.”

“I know right? Everyone always procrastinates, but for some reason we are the only ones unlucky enough to put it off right until a beautiful day. Why couldn’t the deadline fall into a cloudy weather?”

“Merlin has truly abandoned us,” agreed Draco solemnly.

“The nerve of him,” Pansy shook her head in disappointment. “I bet he used to procrastinate all the time, the hypocritical little shit.”

Blaise slammed his forehead against the table with a moan, dropping his quill hazardly on the top of his parchment. “Why is writing so hard?”

Pansy blinked at his parchment. “You are still only there? I started after you and already am in the next topic.”

“That’s because you don’t write, Pansy, you let the ink fall from you quill into the parchment and let the Professors use Divination to guess what you are thinking about.”

Pansy sputtered indignantly. “Hey! My writing isn’t that bad!”

“One time you sent me a letter asking if I wanted to go with you to the mall and I showed up dressed in a suit thinking there was a ball.”

“Well, that’s _your_ fault now, isn’t it?”

The Common Room’s entrance opened and the trio’s eyes snapped up to it.

Really, why were they still there pretending to do homework? Maybe they should just ditch it and make a run for it.

Theo froze on the entryway under his friends stare, suddenly feeling like a prey who had just been spotted by a very hungry, very big, very bored predator. Or predators, in this case.

“Erm…”

As soon as they recognized him, Blaise, Pansy and Draco looked away. Blaise groaned and thunked his head down again while Pansy moaned and started spinning the quill on her hand, pretending to actually be doing something.

Draco tried to hide a pout while half-heartedly flipping through his textbook’s pages.

“I want _out!_ ” said Blaise in what definitely _wasn’t a whine,_ no sir, he was above such things.

“This thing is going on forever! Why doesn't it _end_?” said Draco in what was definitely a whine because he was tired and his brain had melted and the world was too awful for one to worry about such an useless thing such as dignity right now.

“Guys, it really is not that bad,” Theo tried to comfort them.

“Theo, you sweet summer child, stop before I punch you,” said Pansy sweetly.

Blaise’s voice came muffled from where his head was buried on the table. “You are only saying that because you already did it last week.”

Theo rolled his eyes, “well, and whose fault is it for leaving it until the last day?”

“Yours,” said Draco, sticking his tongue out. Theo returned the gesture.

Blaise sputtered and raised his head up. He pointed at Theo. “You have no ground to talk. The only reason for you to have done before us is because you did it during History of Magic.”

“Yeah, while you three decided to nap! You left me to suffer Binns alone!” he pouted.

Pansy frowned. “We left a space for you to join us! You were the one who skipped on nap time!”

“Whatever.” answered Theo, flopping his hand. He perked right after, face brightening. “Hey, do you guys want to see what I found?”

The Slytherins all perked up from their slauches in excitement.

“What is it?” Asked Blaise cheerfully.

“Is it a dragon egg?” Asked Draco, almost jumping from his seat with joy.

“Is it a weapon of mass destruction?” Asked Pansy with glee.

“Ta-da!” Exclaimed Theo, pulling out a--

… book?

The hell?

“Are you for real?” said Pansy in disappointment.

“If you want to talk about it, Greg and Vince are on the Quidditch pitch,” mumbled Draco.

Blaise sighed, shoulders dropping.

Theo blinked at being faced with such a lackluster reaction.

“Guys. Guys, no. It’s a _magical_ book.”

“Yes, Theo,” agreed Pansy slowly, like she was suddenly in a conversation with her four year old cousin. “We are in a _magical_ school. So there are _magical_ books.”

“No, Pansy,” said Theo slowly, like he was suddenly talking with his three year old cousin. “It’s a book that has an unusual spell casted upon it.”

“Yes, Theo. So amazing.” Pansy then dropped the act and started speaking normally again. “Why didn’t you just start with that, you directless broom.”

“Why, Pansy you coreless wand, I thought it would have been obvious.”

Draco and Blaise who had been watching the back and forth with the rapid attention of a Quidditch match joined the conversation back again.

“What spell?” asked Blaise.

Theo’s face brightened up. “Check this out!”

He sat on the floor like his friends were and put the book on top of the desk where they had been doing their homeworks. Theo then opened the book in a randon, blank page and grabbed Draco’s quill, letting an ink drop fall down on it.

Seconds after, the ink disappeared, leaving the page unmarked once more.

Pansy snorted while Blaise and Draco snickered. Just like that, everyone's attention was peaked and they all crowded closer to the open book.

“That’s like, the most useless book ever.” Said Blaise, trying to hold back his laughter.

“I know right! Do you think we can subscribe it to the Wizardry World Book of Records?” wondered Pansy, letting another drop fall on the page just to disappear once more.

“Do you think we can say that the paper ate our homework?” asked Draco, poking at the book.

“Dude.” said Blaise, looking up like he had just received the answer to infinite knowledge.

“No. Nope. I veto it.” said Theo, quickly cutting out that line of thought. “If I had to do it, so do you.”

Blaise leaned closer to Draco so he could whisper. “We can just wait for him to be distracted and rip a page out.”

“I can still hear you! You are literally sitting right besides me!”

“Guys,” interrupted Pansy, who was squinting at the book. Blaise, Draco and Theo followed her gaze.

Ink seeped back from the paper, until it formed a phrase.

_Hello, my name is Tom Riddle. What 's your name?_

“Yeah, nope.” said Draco, shutting the book closed.

“Fuck no,” agreed Blaise, putting a pile of books on top of the ink drinking one, so it stayed shut and didn’t try to run around.

It was a serious concern. No one wanted a book jumping around.

“That definitely looks like a curse book,” added Draco. “Where did you find it?”

“In the Library. I think someone forgot it there.” 

Pansy sighed. “Damn. I thought it might have been a prank from the Weasley’s twins.” She looked at the middle distance, eyes empty and cold, like she had just been betrayed by her own lover during a war. “I thought we could blackmail them into being our friends.”

Theo blinked at her. “Have you… thought about I don’t know, talking to them? No blackmail needed?”

Draco looked at Theo like he had just offended a major business associate right to his face. What he would definitely know, since it was the same face Father had given him last year when he did exactly that by accident.

But that’s not the point.

“Theo, that is not how it works. You can’t just walk up to someone and ask to be friends!”

Theo groaned. “Why are you two so weird?”

Blaise blinked at Draco in confusion. “But that’s what you did with me?”

Draco blushed, cleaning his throat and pretending he didn’t hear it.

“What do we do with the book now?” asked Theo.

“Nothing unless we are seeking for a slow, painful death,” answered Pansy.

Blaise and Draco hummed. Theo leaned back against the couch.

He watched as Pansy, Blaise and Draco half-heartedly grabbed their quills back up and stared blankly at their parchment.

“You three are still insisting on that?” he asked dubiously.

“I mean, it’s not like we have anything better to do,” grumbled Pansy.

“If we go out and Sprout spots us, she will know we ditched doing her homework when we come empty handed tomorrow,” said Blaise.

“And that is really the only choice you have?” Theo asked in disbelief.

Draco sighed, looking at the pile of books on top of the _probably-almost-definitely_ cursed one. “I guess our choices are really between a slow, agonizing, death with our organs melting inside us and our blood boiling and this research assignment.”

The four of them stared at the book.

Pansy scoffed. “That’s not even a choice then,” she said.

As one the four of them moved. Pansy reached for the cursed book, while Blaise raised the pile out of the way so she could pull it and Theo and Draco dragged all of their stationery down to the ground, cleaning up the table.

Pansy opened up the book in a page that was definitely different from before, but that still contained the same message.

“Definitely cursed,” whispered Draco.

“Should we answer it?” asked Theo.

“Well, yeah, sure, I guess,” answered Blaise, reaching out for a quill.

“We can’t just give out our name like this though,” said Pansy.

Blaise hummed in agreement. He wrote on the paper.

**_Hello Tom! My name is Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, most talented Professor Against the Dark Arts, Snape’s best friend and five-time winner of the Most-Charming Smile Award!_ **

The Slytherins snickered.

“You are a genius,” said Pansy gleefully.

“My hero,” agreed Draco.

Blaise mock bowed.

_Hello, Gilderoy Lockhart. How did you come by my diary?_

“What do we answer now?” asked Theo.

They all stared at the book for a moment, before Draco pulled it near him and grabbed Blaise’s quill.

**Oh, why, it was a gift from an adoring fan of mine!**

_Gilderoy Lockhart, I couldn’t help but notice the difference of handwriting. Certainly you wouldn’t be sharing a gift with someone else, would you?_

The four Slytherins grimaced.

“So creepy,” said Theo.

“If it was trying to make us like it, it failed spectacularly. Way too aggressive to pass as harmless.” added Draco.

Pansy looked at the book with distaste. “If we already didn’t know this was a cursed book, this would have given it away. Does it even know what subtly means?”

“No finesse whatsoever,” said Blaise, shaking his head. “It might even have a powerful curse on the book, but it was definitely made by an amateur.”

“A powerful curse is worth nothing if it is so obvious no one falls for it.” said Draco with a halty voice, pretending to blow his robes behind him.

“You forgot to insult the Gryffindors,” offered Pansy.

“Why,” said Draco with the same voice, “It was implicity on the part where they are stupid enough to fall for it.”

The other three snickered.

“That really _does_ sound like Snape.” Said Theo. “If you keep it up, we won’t be able to tell you two apart anymore.”

Draco looked at him with narrowed eyes, mouth tight. “How unfortunate, mister Nott. I want a list of potion’s ingredients on my desk by next class, covering the first five chapters. We wouldn’t want an accident happening at Potions because of your bad memory.”

Draco stared at Theo for another moment, before both of them started laughing, Pansy and Blaise following soon after.

“Anyway,” said Pansy, still with a smile on her face. “How do we explain the handwriting thing?”

Theo made grab hand motions at Draco, who passed him the diary and the quill.

**Of course not! But with someone as famous as me, the mail never stops coming, so I use self writing quills for answering them. I think the different handwritings add a certain charm! A gift from me to my dedicated fans!**

“That does sound Lockhart,” nodded Pansy.

“Yeah,” said Blaise, “Talking a lot about himself while saying nothing at all.”

_I see._

Pansy snickered. “I think even the curse is starting to get annoyed with our esteemed Professor. That definitely was a drier answer than before.”

“Can we really blame it?” asked Blaise. “I wonder where Dumbledore finds them. Probably accepts the first person he sees.”

“I bet he just randomly picks someone from Diagon Alley and offers the job,” said Theo.

Pansy mock gasps. “How dare you! Our most talented professor once defeated a banshee only using a stake, a pumpkin and a quill, all while blindfolded!”

“Ooh!” exclaimed Draco, tapping Theo’s arm. “Write in the book about how he dealt with the werewolf!”

Theo lighted up while Blaise and Pansy started cackling.

**Say, Tom, would you like to hear a story from my many adventures?**

_Yes._

**Once, during the full moon, I accidentally found myself lost in the woods with a rogue werewolf. As you know, that’s not the best position for one to be.**

Theo hand started shaking with suppressed laughter. The answer came after a moment, seemingly hesitant.

_Naturally._

**So, of course I did what any wizard of my callibry did, after all, I couldn’t allow the werewolf to wander and hurt anyone, obviously.**

_Obviously._

**So I covered my coat with leaves, to look like fur, and went after the werewolf.**

…

Not even the book seemed to know how to react to that.

The Slytherins started laughing hysterically. They hadn’t even arrived at the worst part yet.

**But of course, werewolves can be very shy creatures, you know? So in order to attract it’s attention I went ahead and used a perfume to simulate the smell of roasted beef, one of my specialty’s in the kitchen, you might even have heard about it before, it won many prizes!**

_Meat perfume. With a werewolf._

**Yes, Tom. Very clever, don’t you think?**

_Clever._

**It also worked like a charm. Truly ingenious. Sometimes I surprise myself with my good ideas. You know, I was the first to come up with this fail-proof strategy.**

_I wonder why._

**Why, me too! They do say great minds think alike!**

The book stayed quiet, apparently horrified to be compared to Lockhart.

Pansy, Blaise and Draco fell on the floor laughing, tears streaming down their faces. Theo had to thump his head on the table and put the quill down because he couldn’t stop his body from shaking with laughter.

Finally, he recovered enough to grab the quill once more.

**Do you wish to hear what happens next?**

_Please._

It sounded more like a beg for them to stop, but Theo happily ignored it and took it as an invitation to keep going. When Lockhart had told the story during class, they couldn’t escape from hearing it, and so neither would he spare Tom.

**I found the werewolf. He had been truly enchanted by the delicious smell and came to have a chat. I told him all about my prized dish. He was so awed by my good looks, good cooking, beautiful fur and delicious smell he asked my hand in marriage on the spot!**

**Can you believe it?**

_I…_

**Yes, I also went speechless by the request!**

_Speechless. You._

**Yes. It was quite a shock. Of course I had to refuse to offer. Luckily, we remained friends. We meet every other friday to have lunch together. Sometimes I go out with him on the full moon to keep him company.**

_Company. On the full moon._

**Yeah, so the poor dear doesn’t feel lonely.**

The book remained dead silent, probably internally crying. The Slytherins could relate. That had been exactly what they had felt during class.

This time, Pansy grabbed the quill.

**You know, that wasn’t the first time my hand was asked in marriage.**

_...baked in carriage?_

Pansy scowled and Blaise, Draco and Theo started laughing hysterically again.

“My stomach hurts!” said Draco in between laughing bounds.

Theo agreed. “My poor cheeks!” he said breathlessly.

“I told you your handwriting was bad!” Said Blaise.

“It isn’t!”

“It is! Not even the curse book can read it!”

“Because the curse book was made by an amateur! We already agreed on it!”

“For some reason, I have a feeling that isn’t the case.”

Pansy threw a parchment scroll at his head, which Blaise ducked wilhe chuckling.

**I said ASKED IN MARRIAGE.**

_Ah. Another magical quill of yours, I assume. This one is quite defective, I must say._

Pansy gaped at the diary. “You little… How dare it!”

Draco started laughing silently. He didn’t even have more air to make laughing noises. Theo was punching the floor, desperately trying to stop laughing because his cheeks were hurting from it.

Blaise kept trying to stop, only to start again two seconds later when he glanced at either the book or Pansy’s face.

**You! All my quills are amazing thank you very much! Nothing defective with them.**

_...all your skills are amazing and there’s nothing... detective with them?_

**QUILLS and DEFECTIVE. What’s wrong with you? Suddenly you can’t read anymore?**

_What’s… orange with me? And suddenly I can’t… bread anymore?_

“ARG!” exclaimed Pansy, pulling her hair in frustration. 

“I told you,” said Blaise. “Ball and mall.”

**You stupid illiterate ass waffle.**

_I… stupendous illegitimate mass water?_

“AAAAHHHH!!!”

_Could you please exchange quills?_

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Pansy grabbed the quill and plowed it down on the ink. She grabbed it and wrote in big letters across two whole pages.

**YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT CABBAGE GARBAGE MADE IN A TOILET SEAT AND EATEN BY A RAT WHO THREW IT UP IN A QUIDDITCH FIELD AND HAD IT BOILED IN THE SUN FOR A WEEK.**

**Can you read it now? :)**

_I…! You…!_

Blaise grabbed her quill gleefully.

**You wish you had a tenth of my smarts! But guess what? You will never come up with a plan better than spraying meat perfume on yourself during the full moon like me! I am a thousand times more brilliant than you!**

In between Pansy’s insult and being told that it was more stupid than Lockhart, the Diary went mad.

_AAARGGGG!!!!_

Black ink started oozing out of it, so fast and so much it started spilling on the table. The Slytherins jumped out of the way with disgusted sounds.

Out of nowhere, the book caught fire. It started burning itself with a green flame.

The Slytherins stared at it.

“The heck?” asked Theo.

“Did the diary just kill itself?” wondered Pansy.

“Holy mother goose,” said Draco, staring as the fire went out on its own, leaving a pile of ashes on top of a puddle of ink. “I had never seen a curse object give up and destroy itself before.”

“I didn’t even think that was possible,” said Blaise slack jawed.

“Lockhart is so annoying, not even the curse wanted to be around him,” said Pansy.

They stared at the mess on top of the table.

“Maybe we should clean it up before anyone comes back,” suggested Theo.

“Just _Scourgify_ it,” said Pansy.

Draco gasped horrified. “Oh no! Our homework!”

Blaise and Pansy let out sounds of despair, finally noticing that the ink had run out of the table and on top of their assignments.

The assignments they had put their own blood, sweat and tears into. The assignment that had made them lose a sunny summer day stuck inside.

“ _Scourgify_ is too much of a mercy for this slander,” said Pansy darkly, eyes cold. “Throw it into the fireplace so it burns to death.”

Draco levitated the ashes and all four of them went to the lit fireplace. Draco threw it unceremoniously into the fire.

“I could have accepted a painful death,” he said gravely to it, as they watched the flames engulf the ashes. “But that homework had my time, soul and dreams put into it. For that, you will burn.”

“We lost the whole day stuck inside here, in the shadows, while everyone played in the sun,” added Pansy frigidly. “Hours without sleep. And you destroyed it. Now you will pay with your life.”

Blaise just shook his head. “You should just have placed the painful, deathly curse on us instead. Ammateur mistake, messing up with homework.”

They went back to the table and used _Scourgify_ to get rid of the ink stains.

They stared morosely at their ruined homework.

“It will take hours to be done again,” said Blaise with despair.

“We could just have gone out and enjoyed the day instead with all the work time we lost,” said Draco, looking 30 seconds away from crying.

“Do you think Sprout would believe us if we said that a cursed book destroyed our homework before setting itself on fire?” asked Pansy.

“And throwing up a gallon of ink on the table? No way.” said Blaise.

They sighed. Theo, feeling kind of bad since he was the one who found the book, offered to help them with the homework.

“I do wonder who was the original owner before I found it in the Library though.”

“Well, it definitely wasn’t Dumbledore,” said Blaise.

That had been kind of obvious, still, Draco felt compelled to ask. “How are you sure?”

“Because there were no supposedly locked doors that opened themselves.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I don't know how I feel about it. The pacing feels a little weird and I also had no idea on how to end it, so...
> 
>   
> **Draco:** So, we can either do homework or mess around with this super dangerous, probably letal, cursed book we just found laying around suspiciously.  
>  **The Slytherins, lunging for the book:** What type of stupid question is that
> 
> \---
> 
>  **Diary, spilling ink on homework:**  
>  **Pansy:** So, you have chosen death


End file.
